woof.

my internet is down.... again....
so, my friends, when i'm not mooching off my neighbors, the ropers, trying to find a domicile on craigslist (help! i'm going to be murdered!), i don't have the time for blogging...
but i have awesome posts coming about tribeca, shavs dance parties, me turning into bridget jones, and my new favorite broadway show....

so stay tuned...

and pray that the time warner cable gods are good to me.

via unknown

start your machines in the morning: another gem from my mother.

hi.
i am, indeed, alive.
(you get a lot of these types of messages from me, don't you.)

i had a week of 11 auditions.
shavs stayed with me for a week.
sussy and evie are here now.
my interweb was down for a solid 4 days.
i've dated my face off (to *many* epically terrible-oh, you'll hear about it-ends).
i hit 3 tribeca film festival premiers.
and my apartment sold yesterday...
which means, all my brain power is now devoted to finding a new home and covering up my red splotchy cried out face...

ooooh, were i only a rapper so i could wear sunglasses indoors... at night (ipt. subsy).

most days, i wish i could do as stellie likes to do in the picture above... bury myself in pillows and hope it all works out when i wake....

but, to be honest, i've been SO grateful for the distractions. all of them.

my mom has this amazing housekeeping (life) theory.

always start your machines in the morning.

when she wakes, she makes her bed, empties the dishwasher and prepares it for the breakfast dishes, starts a fresh load of laundry and waters the plants...
most of this is accomplished before or right after her 8 am walking group...
oh yeah.. then she showers
 (i don't want to hear it from you non-bathers... take a shower! it makes you feel like a new person).

she gets up and keeps it moving.
she's like a little ball of momentum, constantly moving, constantly creating space for things to happen..

and things do... she's always on the go.

so i'm trying it.
i'm getting up early and i'm working out (when nic isn't in town..) and i'm moving... i'm doing my work, i'm spinning my wheels and i'm watching as things just fill my day in a pretty cool way...
now, nothing has worked out quite yet.... but at least i'm out of bed and i'm moving....

now that the apartment has sold and i have a definite move date, i'm a little more at peace with the gap.

it's happening.
move on to where i'm meant to be...

move.
keep moving.
start your machines...

here we go!

word.

via

stolen city.

there are patches of this city that will never belong to me again.
a circle of 10 blocks here or there that will never be mine.
it belongs to a former love... or two. two men currently hold this city hostage.
i want it back desperately.

i still have a well of sadness inside of me that erupts whenever i'm in certain areas ..
where he lives..
where we ate...
where we laughed...
where we were "we. "

and years later...

it's still there.
that pit in the stomach and squeeze of the heart.
just being in that vicinity.

i felt it today.
i met a new man in a new place which was in the danger zone.

i thought this would be good- to be in that area with someone new.
new memories, new friend,
you know... a veritable war with my heart...
an overthrow!
taking back the regime!

but the second i turned onto this block, that familiar stomach squeeze-heart race started again.
my eyes started darting for him. he could be just around the corner. he could walk in at any time.
i wanted him to.
but what if he walked in?
would i crumble in front of this new person?

it sent me into such a panic and near tear-splosion that i had to excuse myself early for fear of revealing myself.

another failed attempt.

when i worked in the temple, the sweet women (who were usually in their late 60's-70's) told me that even after years of happy marriage, they still think about that "one who got away."
i think they thought that would comfort me.
it only made me panic.
you mean, i have to LIVE with this infection for the rest of my life?
you mean, i'll have to marry someone else while always wondering what could have been?
you mean, i'll never get my city back?

that sounds like a private hell to me.

i want to build an army of happy so strong that i can storm these neighborhood gates and never again walk down these streets remembering how we kissed on that corner, or walked stella to that park, or bought cheese in that shop, or got an egg sandwich in that deli.

little things, you know.
the littlest things still haunt me.

i'm told i should make peace with that.
that it will always be there. always gnawing at me.
i thought i had...we'll be roomates? grief and me? woof. no thanks.

but if i let go of this sadness, will a large part (maybe the best parts - the part that loves unconditionally) of me go with it?

tonight, after that sweet anxiety attack, i'm ok with that.
i'd like to live with less feelings.

doesn't it go away?
the people who say time heals everything are liars. straight up.

i just want my city back.

well mixed sweets

shavs is staying with me for the week (and we haven't stopped laughing since she got here). she sent the most outrageous hostess gift EVER!
 her sister, megan, owns well mixed sweets, a custom cookie company. i'm DYING over the cookies she did for me and just spent the last 10 min pouring over the other cookies she's created. i've never seen anything more incredible.. and incredibly edible.  check out her blog { here }
they're insanely inexpensive and will now be my new go-to for any gift.
megan ships even internationally and delivers in utah county.

can you even believe stellie's edible self portrait?!

and they taste amazing.... except they're too pretty to eat.

you can taste them tonight @ sussy's nicole's classes party!!!

easter weekend.

i was invited to my friend, genna's mother's house in CT for easter weekend.
she was the perfect hostess! we had chocolates and toothbrushes on our towels in her gorgeous little farmhouse.
how fab is her shower door (above)

 the entire house was covered in gorgeous antiques-- see this stunning hand stitched table cloth? 20 seconds after i took this pic, i spilled diet coke all over it. oops.....

 it's an eater tradition that they make ravioli from scratch. it took 2 hrs for 5 of us to whip up 98 raviolis. they. were. ridiculous.
and really fun to make. what a lovely tradition! we all felt so much ownership of the meal.

 we hopped to the town sweetshop and posed in front of the 4 ft tall chocolate bunny.
i could totally live in ridgefield. it's the sweetest little town.

 genna's mom made cannoli.... i'm not kidding, i'm not sure i've ever eaten so much in 24 hours....
so much for that diet!

 the table was so elegant in this sweet farmhouse.

 we had 2 famous artists in the group so we put one of the talents in charge of making the traditional bunny cake. i'm going to start doing that.

 big representation of brits, italians, a greek, an argentinian, a cuban and a welsh mormn. lots of great women. what a fantastic group of ladies.

 i love being in the country. only one hour away from the city and it felt like a lifetime away.

 genna's mom also does tarot cards.. and this was a very lovely and hopeful reading.
perfectly silly and fun for a girl sleepover.

sussy came to town on monday and left a little cluster of eggs when i got out of bed to hop to the restroom. so sweet of mom and dad to think of me and for her to haul them.

i had a really lovely easter with some of my favorite people. i know i say this a lot, but i really do have the greatest friends and family.
hope you had a gorgeous weekend as well.

shabby apple color block

i'm pretty in love with this dress from shabby apple.
ck, can we have it in cotton as well??

stella's musical theatre twin

i mean, right?

hello, stellie! well, hello, stellie!!!!