{ the bachelorette - emily } bachelorette takes bermuda

i wish i could attach voicemails onto blog posts because my hilarious dad leaves me the best stuff about the bachelor. for the record, he was vehemently against it, but we forced him to watch to be with us and now he has some pretty remarkable insight... 

for instance, he feels that we were being unnecessarily harsh with alessandro whose "compromise" was a poor translation for "compromiso" which really means "committed".... now, dad, how do we explain the fact that he was dating his cousin and that he cheated on her? another language barrier? 

1. sweet headband, ponytail guy!
2. chris harrison's shirt is totally the shirt that every divorcee wears in vegas. gives me douchebumps. 
3. i love when the flex/clap. 
4. alejandro is going home this week. poor shroom farmer. 
5. doug isn't going anywhere.
6. you guys, doug is SUPER edgy and he can't control his mouth. 
7. jk. 
8. he's just a woman with strong feelings. 
9. headband guys is killing me. 
10. doug could murder arie with one hand. 
11. what bracelets are they all wearing? 
12. ew. i thing arie is jealous of doug's pecs.- nicole
13. i hate vacation tchotckes but i don't hate rum cake. 
14. i'm not interested in hearing about his "one person really can change the world" rhetoric. 
15. oooh and now a superhero reference?! vim. 
16. velveeta cheese. 
17. now i think there's something creepy under the doug surface. 
18. emily sure loves that blue frosty shadow. 
19. i do like doug. but there's something sheeny about him. 
20. they seem like a match, physically.- nicole
21.  jef- one- eff's look is pretty venice (beach) gay, no?
22. um.. i'm sorry, who are you nate?
23. oooh sure.. brad & doug really do have a similar thing going on...
24. i often start dates reassuring guys that "i'm a normal person" too...
25. good girl. 
26. he is giving perfect answers. 
27. yes, emily. yes. 
28. she doesn't work out? and that body?! lucky. 
29. well... she's a mom.... isn't that pajama thing pretty common? (don't jump all over me for this..)
30. "well one of my faults are that my testicles are the size of tic tacs because of the after-effects of the steroidds i'm taking!!"- adam as doug.
31. please don't ask her to kiss her!
32. but how long has it been since you've kissed a guy?!- adam.
33. he doesn't make the girl make the first move...
34. and NEVER speak in the 3rd person... 
35. omg ! who said that chris looks like randy quaid (cousin Eddie)?! that's IT! exactly!!! 
36. ryan is wretched. 
37. you guys, sean played D1!!!
38. adam says you know it wasn't a great college team when he calls it D1.
39. wolf has a pretty serious forehead. or sixhead.
40. these guys look like fools. 
41. why is arie wearing white stretchy pants? 
42. 'smarter not harder" i thnk ryan has that stencilled on the wall of his gym.
43. i think he says that during sex- anonymous..
44. and there ryan is... aggressively next to her. 
45. charlie breaks my heart... i wish he wasn't crying on national television..... it's almost like making fun of the special kid.... i hate that. 
46. what is ryan thinking with that  woody the woodpecker/road runner hair?!
47. trophy wife isn't gonna be down with that. 
48. oooh arie, so sensitive!
49. eeeeeeeew! were his lips that dry that he had to pull back, re-lick, and go in again!
50. "they call me the master dater (bater?)"
51. ooooh please no offense to friends of jeff- one-eff.. but his tricks and tactics really vim me out. 
52. "welp" awkward silence..... 
53. no kiss? 
54. and she likes him?????
55. welp! it's time for me to go find a bowl so i can give myself a haircut! -adam as jeff-one-eff
56. a lot of depth there. very mature . make an impression upon you...... great buzz words, ryan. 
57. "if you ain't cheatin' y' ain't tryin!"
58. this guy is a total pig. 
59. obsessed with pretty kids. 
60. oooooooph he'sr eally into the weight. 
61. he's such a hillbilly. 
62. woah.. i don't get this.... 
63. something we share is really valuable to her- jef
64. and it's our mutual love for men!- adam as jef. 
65. i'm surprised that she's eating this up...
66. "whereas my kate gosselin haircut circa 1995 was a very UNsafe move!"- adam as ryan
67. i just tuned out and started instagramming... sorry .. was anything not boring. 
68. who is that blonde guy?
69. i like her braided mermaid hair. 
70. i love her wrap. 
71. oooh randy quaid is an angry elf!
72. i wanna go to berumuda.
73. ew. this last supper seating arrangement is so awkward. 
74. KI-NOA? oooh boy. 
75. "cool."
76. that was amazing. 
77. so awkward. 
78. yes. definitely show her your package. the whole package...
79. he look so awkward an spidery up on that ledge.
80. everything is "like amazing."
81. she speaks to him like she's nurturing a little kitten. 
82. i'd rather do the two on one- than the group date.- wolf
83. that's what he said.-anonymous
84. this cave is probably echoing all the embarrassing things they're admitting. 
85. "get back to your things.... i'm going to walk to the boat in my miami vice outfit."
86. ryan is so gross.
87. wow! that's a lot of floral happening in this house. 
88. interesting necklaces with the one shoulder situation... a little much for me. 
89. sorry.. tuned out again.... instagramming party pics ...
90. ryan is just full of trite sports lingo
91. love the pant suit. hate the jewels.
92. ew spider fingers and cracking an egg on her knee. pervy. 
93. arie's sexy face is really turning me off. 
94. ryan's sideburns are the shape of indiana- nicole. 
95. oooh the bachelor RYAN! WALKER DO YOU KNOW HIM????
96. heavily involved with the media...
97. he's not interested in emily. he's interested in being the bachelor.
98. also, don't bring God into this. 
99. also, weird dad slap on pony's back. 
100. what's that blonde guys's name? he's my pick for her. i like them together. 
101. wow, em. that horse tail is pretty aggressive. 
102. nicole is currently obsessed with calling the bachelor peeps "gamemakers" 
103. when randy quaid talks, my brain shuts down. it's like a dull monotone roar. 
104. what is happening in this cat fight. 
105. randy quaid is on his period. he's in a black out rage. i get it. i've been there. 
106. "you're over the top humble and that pisses me off!!!" ooooh, zinger!!!
107. love the thunder sound effects!
108. um... any guy on shrooms is not ready to be a dad...
109. you know what, i like her. 
110. there's nothing to make fun of her for! darnit!!!- nicole.
111. i think they'll keep ryan around for our viewing pleasure. he's good tv. 
112. but alejandro is going HOOOME.
113.  who is travis?
114. ponytail is cute but i havent really heard him talk...
115. tolja. ryan is in. 
116. pink is a tricky color for fair men.. makes em look sickly pink. 
117. woooah. alejandro for the save?
118. ponytail is a cute girl. 
119. never heard her talk. 
120. i never saw him talk to her... and he's crying?
121. charlie is a doll. i'm glad he's going home.. this whole thing just made me uncomfortable for him. 
122. you guys, these men are so vimmy. i feel so bad for her. 
123. oooh cousin eddie... just sit down . don't try to dance.