{ the bachelor } season 11 | episode 5

thanks to natalie for the link to faces of rejected bachelorettes
brilliant.

yes, kids, i know that crazy michelle had the affair with carlos boozer.... surprise, surprise.
the girl needs meds.

also, you stupid spoiler people... i'm not interested in your jive. keep that for spoiler blogs. i'm taking the "journey" along with brad and the rest of the crazies.

1. chris is wearing the d-iest shirt.
2. is that a fly in the house? or in front of my TV?
3. ladies, again, if you are on a television show that films non-stop.... wear makeup. or just attempt to look like you didn't just roll out of bed....
4. those bags look like a national tour....
5. oh my, he has delicious arms.
   
6. how much do you love vegas, brad? such a neat city.
   
7. first hug: crazytown.
8. why are they in black capri pants to travel? the 30 min flight really required comfy wear?
9. (whit) they're channeling lauren conrad.
10. i would like to go to there.
11. seeing the looks on their faces makes him so happy? what ? is it christmas morning, brad?
12. michelle looks like an oompa loompa.
13. with a BANG, huh?
14. alli has a busted jennifer garner thing going?
15. (ali) why do they always have to jump on him?! like he wants to hold your fat butt!
16. brads working a vest! newsies-style.
17. yup. jumped him again...
18. he's going to have a bad back.
    
19. ooooooh my! that's my idea of a date. shopping spree???
20. yeah it's every woman's dream....
21. wait, she's never heard of those stores? riiiiight...
    
22. get him out of the purple velor.
23. do you really think she got to keep all that crap ? or did they load her down with bags?
24. nothing like a hide-and-go-seek in broad daylight.
    
25. oooh that fendi dress is pretty cool... on a taller girl.
26. yup, i'd feel super natural buying $200,000.00 worth of goods too....
27. ooh now they REALLY hate her.
28. i love how they act like HE is treating her.
    
29. ew. that fendi bag is hideous.
30. hideous.
31. hideous.
32. love the black dress.
33. oooh jellycats!
34. oh michelle... at least cover that unicorn zit.
    
35. sucks that she can't share her fun with any of them...
36. oooh no... that dress is looking rough now....
37. "is everyone ok?" brad, why are you asking that question?
    
38. love those shoes.
    
39. stand up straight, funeral director.
40. (whit) don't swing fendi like it's a shopping cart!
41. (whit) that dress makes her tummy look big.
42. aria looks cool. i want to go!
43. she's excited to talk to him about being a funeral director?
44. yes, lets talk about embalming over dinner...
45. oh boy, funeral talk is the ultimate buzzkill.
46. he's losing it.... holy crap.
47. and he's drunk.
    
48. and shiny...
49. and red nosed...
50. she's a cat lady on top of it all.
    
51. she couldn't take the heels all night.... a real woman wouldn't remove the fendis.
52. fireworks!!!
53. (ali) i went scuba diving and repelling and SHE got a shopping spree and fireworks! not fair!
54. (ali) WHYYYYY is he picking her up! you know he's holding his breath holding her.
55. total grimace.
56. seriously.... if my fiance proposed to me on a commercial break on the bachelor, i would simply not marry him....how bout that?
57. hope he got the ring for free......vim.
58. oh michelle and that hair!
59. ashley vs ashley!
60. they're friends?!
61. i've had enough of crazy eyebrow ashley....
62. and baby talk ashley...
63. they can both go...
64. omg!! bachelor brad is in a car!!! swoon!
65. oooh poor emily!
66. he is the worst at delivering his set-up lines... the worst.
67. i am fun, hot and ORANGE!
    
68. what is that gay neckline?
69. um... that date would not be fun to me.
    
70. not my idea of a good time.
71. i'd love to drive fast-not on a track- and in a hot car.
72. oooh open necked... bach brad is so casual in his race-wear.
73. i love her.
    
74. (whit) her hair is banana colored, sorry....
75. he's sweet about it.
    
76. um.... no , brad. you didn't pick the date.
    
77. she's adorable.
    
78. **side note: did you see womack standing next to joel mchale? he's a SHORTY!
79. is she wearing her wedding band? that's kinda strange....
80. get her out of the car, brad. don't make her do that.
    
81. i'm so excited! (thru tears)... didn't that remind you of jessie spano?!
    "i'm so excited! i'm so excited! i'm so...... scared!!"
82. she can't even see over the wheel.
83. yeah, brad. you're such a pimp. a pool and a bunch of hot crazies.
    
84. everyone hates emily...
    
85. ew. i don't like that alli girl.... no compassion!
    
86. (whit) oh, i'm sorry, did you lose a spouse?! you selfish hooch!
87. oooph! bradley just got awkie!
    
88. good! throw age in his face. he needs to relax.
    
89. brad, man up!
90. she's being super cool.
    
91. she's giving him everything and petting his ego... he needs to simmer...
92. bad arms crossed body language.
93. "it's hard to feel special." get a grip.
94. how over these stupid drunk girls with too many feelings would you be?!
    
95. i feel brad for brad.
    
96. i swear, brad can hardly speak english ....
97. they need to relax about emily.
98. ooh did she just drop the L-bomb?!
    
99. yes, brad, nail her!
100. pre-mie!!!
101. manipulators! shut it!
     
102. yeah, highs and lows! you're manic!!!
103. it's like walking into a den of menstruating cats!
104. awkie.
105. oh my, michelle, you're so benevolent! saving him from those girls!
106. shove those boobies in his face, crazy! shove em!
107. she is a cheap whore.
     
108. he is so stupid. of course you forget about it... you think with your johnson, brad.
     
109. please give the rose to emily!
110. chantal, simmer down.
111. skinny legs big upper body....he's totally one of those guys who benches and doesn't touch the legs.
112. are her teeth veneers?
     
113. good. that girl really deserved that rose.
     
114. i love her.
     
115. push him in the pool!
116. why didn't anybody get in?
117. cool. i'm excited to see viva elvis!
     
118. yes, arials ! that's hot.
     
119. "put you though a little bit of paces?" uh....
120. good thing they brought their capri pants.
     
121. don't pop the head, ashley.
122. stop the baby voice!
123. um is that ali of ali and roberto demonstrating.
124. more jump spins...
125. you want brad to fall in love with you and i want you to stop talking negatively in a baby voice.
     
126. yeah, like they didn't see that coming that they'd be performing?!
127. woah! brad has to choose? awkie.
     
128. chemistry. trust. teamwork. romance. --yes, b!
129. ooooh not flattering harness shot.
130. ashley just sitting in a lonesome spotlight.
     
131. i still hate her eyebrows.
     
132. what have you put into this, ashley? other than your pride?
133. they both look cheap. dresses by bebe.
     
134. omg! stakes are so high!
135. that is one awkward dinner party.
136. (whit) neither one of them are very cheery people.
     
137. ouch! that was a rough goodbye!
     
138. she couldn't say that "of course" fast enough.
139. i feel sad. and when i feel sad i use my baby voice... oh wait... that's all the time.
140. punched in the stomach....... and the heart....
141. aaahahahaha! that pa double checking the last initial!
142. stop crying! you're gonna need to botox that cry line.
143. well, the good news is that she has a really cute body.
     
144. at least she doesn't have to sit there and watch viva elvis... like ali and roberto.
145. you kinda lose credibility when you say "this is the hardest decision i've ever hard to make" with EVERY decision you make.....
146. GI brad!!
147. she's drunk.
148. nice package shot!
149. they kept her cause she knew how to point her feet!
150. oooh yes! nice "lonesome tonight" montage.
151. why did brad have a prompter in his ear? were they talking him thru that the entire time?
152. oh my! tears and celebrating in an envelope dress! nice contrast!
153. noooooo phone therapy, please?! spare us!
154. this therapy talk is so strange.
155. he just said journey about 5 times in one sentence.
156. "strong feelings," "journey," "connections." yipes.
157. he really should just consult with a polygamist..... they'd understand him.
158. is that a tiara?
159. chantal is wearing a silly band... i'm wearing two as i write this. gifts. imported. both of them.
160. that blonde girl i can never remember is wearing STRIPPER heels.
     
161. i hate chantal's dress.
162. he's just opening up the box of crazy by saying he wants to talk.
     
163. what. is. she. wearing.
164. emotional is one thing , dramatic is another.... love it... totally putting it on my facebook profile.
     
165. good, brad. you should stand up for yourself.
166. whatever, chantal! she's such a party changer! now his feelings for her are attractive to you?
167. oooh she's busted!
168. oooh i love a giggle/lean/hair flip/booby squish.
169. brad, you special thoughtful man!
170. i don't like seeing the arm /back flap in the sleeve.
     
171. marissa, go home. bad blush.
     
172. she's pulling out all the stops!
     
173. oooh my! is michelle gonna give him a lap dance??
174. he looks terrified.
     
175. she is a manipulative whore.
     
176. i like her nail polish--think it's bahama mama (opi)
177. (whit) she's literally rag dolling him!
178. prostitute!
179. eeeew. vim.
180. pulling him by the tie?! she's a psycho!
181. britt?! what? stripper heels? why? skelator?!
182. woah! he sent home thoughtful note giver?! he must really like stripper heels!
183. i kind of like her dress.... but hair is still bad...
184. (whit) chorus of waves...
185. you were rejected, homegirl. that sucks.
     
186. why can't any women walk in heels!? should i post an online instructional video?
187. wooooah! these teasers look good.
     
188. sick. lots of tongue. awkie.
     
189. oooh proposal in africa! that was the back of emily's head!
190. they're showing a lot!
191. ooh that poor baby -talking freak. bears and baby talk. vim.
     

the nudist dilemma...

1. the elisa
simple. classic.

now, darlings... i felt a touch of guilt over the fendi's.
i mean, i could certainly pay rent (or feed small children in chechnya) with that kind of cash!
so i took them back to neimans but, lo and behold, i had to take a gift card in exchange...

poor me.

i've always craved a fierce nude louboutin (classic, no?).
but i knew i'd have to shell out a hunge or two to get em....

well, lucky me....

i'd been forcing my wondergirls to do the p57 workout with me and they rewarded me with a VERY generous gift card to cover the loubie difference (those girls are so fabulous).....

soooo...

which do i pick?

2. the rolando
hidden platform makes the legs look leggier but they're on backorder. blerg...

what is your vote?

just so you know...

when a proper irishman asks if he can pick you up for a date,
he says (with his proper irish brogue),

"i'd like to come collect you."

which is incredibly adorable.

you know... vital information...

christmas 2010

better late than pregnant, right?

with only 2 days off, it was impossible to go home to utah for christmas. thankfully, some of my favorite family invited me to houston to celebrate. i had the very best time. hosted by my awesome aunt angela (or aunt angel--see the pic above--yes, she adorns the top of her christmas tree..hilarious) and hilarious uncle steve, my grandparents and i had a blast.

i was able to make cookies & gingerbread houses with my cuzzies, hiya and cici.
(and in turn, i helped santa assemble LOTS of girlie things like barbie houses and american girl thingies)
our christmas cookies honored all people....
note the chanukah sweets.

we all got new pj's on christmas eve ....
and i nearly lizzed while sneaking outside to jingle santa's bells (wait.. that sounds wrong...).
the next am, the little girls told their daddy that they heard us outside jingling bells so they'd go to sleep but they knew it wasn't really santa...... phew! at least we didn't blow it.....

santa even remembered ME in houston! (don't worry, mom, this pic was taken after i had cleaned up the incredible spread.)

one of my favorite gifts was this hand carved santa from my (grand)papa. if you look closely, it says "our star, natalie!"
what a treasure!
and finally, the sacred family orange rolls (they only take about 5 hrs to make).
this is the first time i have ever been entrusted with this recipe (if you ruin it, you ruin christmas) and let me tell you, i NAILED IT!
they were incredible and according to (grand)mama, i am NOW ready to be married....

if only i had known it would be that easy.... or hard.

had the most lovely time. loved houston. love my family.

hope your christmas was just as sweet.

heartache in 23a

nugget parked in front of mac's door (canine drive-by?) waiting for him to come home

i looked in all the places you aren't.
i just can't find the places you are.
i only know that you are where i am not.

. winnie the pooh .

apartment 23a has a few broken-hearted females.
our beloved nuggetron, miss stella, fell in love with a border collie named Mac while she was having a wild time (just like her mommy) in trampa.

she played hard to get at first, then quickly succumbed to mac's charms. i have never ever seen a lovely girl fall so hard or so quickly. miss stella would have nightly dates with mr mac while her mommy and daddy were performing in WONDERLAND... surely he was impressed with her heroism.

when i'd go to collect her, she would dig her nails into the carpet and try to stay with her boyfriend....finally, after picking her up and returnign to our room, she would sit at the door and cry pathetically.... (charming).
i've never seen anything like it. we had to go past mac's room to go to the elevator, so every day, she'd park herself in front of his hotel room and cry. i told her to play hard to get, but she was blinded by love.

anyway, now that we're back in the city, stella simply isn't herself... she cries and fwomps her head down with exasperated sighs, mopes around, snuggles (what?!), and listlessly lays around all day..... is there puppy prozac?

it's killing me.

ALSO, littlest sister (russ) is in nyc for the next 3 months (and sharing my bed-there goes my social life ;) going to a graphic design school (cause she's freaking awesome like that...) and SHE's missing her beloved byu baseball playing beau.

so much moping....
so much estrogen.

poor 23a.

{ the bachelor } season 11 | episode 4

i just wanted you to see my sweet jesse and the rippers t-shirt in action... blogging this for you.
in tonights bachelor panel, you get two gf's (kat and whit) and sister ali (russ).

lets talk about michelle for a moment... can we all agree not to claim her for our great state? i'm proud to be a utah girl and she's just making us fine women of substance look bad.....

i'm loving all the gossip you're giving..... i can confirm that most of it's true from my sources.....

i will confirm that the girl has more issues than VOGUE!

ok.. onto the bach....

1. yay crazy!!! please tell me she put the black eye on with makeup to get attention... is she going to announce that she's prego next? she already did the birthday trick.. what next?
2. chris looks like mr rogers today (kat)
3. love that crazy matched her eye to her lulu jacket.
4. i'd like to give chantal an eyeliner consultation... like.... just wear less...
5. yes, ashley s! i wish you had given her the black eye as well.
6. how many seasons of the bachelor have there been? and how many helicopters have there been? at least 100? why are we acting surprised?
7. what is chantal wearing? this isn't a byu date to the creamery on a saturday afternoon! glam it up a bit, girl.
8. ooh there's a sportsbra/ swimsuit happening .... hot tub?
9. catalina! rip natalie wood.
10. it looks like a blustery day.... who wants to git the water in your leather jackets and red noses...
11. no thanks, freezing adventure.
    
12. i'm freaking terrified of fish.. this would probably cry.
    
13. i don't blame you, girl.
14. looks a little like she's going to the bathroom in her wet suit.
    
15. that space suit looks more comfy than scuba gear.
    
16. that's kinda cool.
    
17. so i guess the helmet keeps you from kissing, eh?
18. oooh he just tried?! aaaahhhh!
19. chantal womack? vim.
20. they all know they're gonna be filmed sitting on the date reveal couches... WHY doesn't anybody fix up?!
21. she's looking crazier and crazier.
    
22. that's a nice romantical tiki camp situation.
    
23. she's a pretty pretty girl.
    
24. poor brad.. maybe it's the alcohol? he ALWAYS has a rudolph red nose...
25. they should let the girls drink themselves silly and the bach should be limited to ....no drinks.
26. he looks tired.
    
27. tender acoustic guitar. super setting the mood.
28. i like her.
29. hey crazy, who is comparing you to anybody?
30. i really don't think she's a good enough actress to pull this off... she really is nuts.
    
31. "notice she's not blotting her crying black eye" (whitney)
32. yes, i love sitting outside with my feelings during a rain storm....
33. yeah, the slap was so stupidly staged...
34. she's wasted.
35. why is he SO serious.
36. yeah, this is like MY everyday life as well.. helicopters and deep sea walking...
37. i'm gonna just stay here during the thunder cause the producers told me to...
38. oooh cute smooches.
    
39. why are we looking at a half - dead palm tree?
40. this is FREAKIN' CRAZY!
41. good thing they have a fantasy suite sex suite.
    
42. take your shoes off to lay down!
43. oooh freak yeah! a party hummer!
44. does anybody even listen to loveline anymore?
45. oooh hell.. more therapy talk.
    
46. "in therapy i....."
47. yeah, cause national radio is a totally safe space.
    
48. can someone powder brad's nose?
49. dr love is certainly wearing a full face of makeup.
50. crazy and her awesome grow out is killing me.
    
51. are her eyebrows tattooed?
    
52. "this is VERY SERIOUS to me (in a forceful whisper)!!!"
53. "are his ears sweating?" (kat)
54. oooh hot seat! who has cheated?!
    
55. it's like the McCarthy era!
56. seriously? brad you are retarded if you think these women are being honest on a radio show...
57. they spend eons defining what they're "looking for."
58. yup. brad's a sweater.
    
59. who are you blondie with the confessional? brad's not your priest.
    
60. please bless he cuts her after asking her to give him the chance and the time...
61. every group date ends in a hot tub.
    
62. they're in bikinis and he's in a sweatshirt?
63. they'll literally freeze their baguettes off for love. that's so noble, guys.
    
64. braddy looks hot in a sweatshirt.
    
65. ashley's eyebrows are killing me softly.
    
66. who is that girl in the lime green bikini? oh... alli... sure....
67. why are we talking in baby voices, ashley?
68. did she really go "hug.. hug.. hug?" in a baby voice?
69. oooh she's creepy as hell.
    
70. he needs to have a girl timer. 5 min each.
    
71. i so want crazy to be put on a 2 on 1. wanna see a real fight.
    
72. ok, crazy is wearing a cross...... so i'm gonna guess she's not mormon... thank goodness, we don't really want her.
    
73. ooooh chantal, way to make her feel insecure!
74. love you for that!
75. nothing like a rose and some edemame.
    
76. ashley needs to shut up! she's nuts.
    
77. and she's drunk.
    
78. woah , blondie! she looks like she's in the lion king with that stripey blush.
79. no sparks.
    
80. you're done.
    
81. oooh ... kissing?
82. she got those heart earrings from claire's boutiques .
    
83. "his red nose is blending into her blush" (kat)
84. "that girl (ashley) looks like taylor from the OC" (whit)
85. ooooh creeper..... watching a make out all sly...
86. girl, you look nuts.
    
87. just shut up.
88. he's stupid. he just buys into all their crazy....
89. really ? giving her the rose?
90. oooh now she interrupts him when he was about to give it to her?
    
91. please tell me he changes his mind...
92. yes!!!!!
93. can i take you for a second? i can't really remember your name...but your drawers are coming off as you get out of the hot tub.
94. oooh now i like brad again.....
    
95. brit, looks ano....she should have some of the rice pudding we're eating...
96. ooh he's bugged with ashley.
    
97. good.
    
98. yeah, i wouldn't wanna be with you either, crazy ashley. glad you see it.
    
99. oooh my! exasperation out of crazy!
100. "my man?!"
101. crazy looks like she was gonna knife him down for taking ashley outside!
102. good, chantal... call her her on her crap!
103. she should just club him over the head and carry him off...
104. "my eye"
105. why is she wearing the lulu power Y workout top?
106. ooooh a tough girl!
     
107. "he looks kinda hot driving" (whit)
108. deodorant dingles!!!
109. chunky deO!
110. really? another helicopter? double duty?! really?
111. does she have any other clothes? she's always wearing that purple lulu set....
112. wait... she's afraid of heights? but she's cool with a helicoper?
113. she'll do ANYTHING for attention!
114. repelling!? fun!
     
115. RE-pel... if you're brad...
116. oooh hold me, brad!
117. she is SOOO dramatical.
     
118. the fear factor dates are boring me.... just like ali and roberto.....
119. did she just scream "babe" at him?
120. oooh nice metaphor, crazy. yes, this is just a "leap of faith for love!"
121. ew. the kissing is so awkward.
     
122. i'm so proud of you?? why? what did she do? child birth? no she went down a fully insured and safe building.
123. she's always playing to camera.
     
124. ooh aren't they spontaneous! just jumping in the pool!/ he was sweaty and didn't want her to smell...
125. is she a member of the cryps or the bloods? what's with the gang members?
126. nice ! hair and makeup team just came in to spruce them up for the evening date.
     
127. it would suck to be the guy to have to schlep the canopy beds to every location.
128. what do you have to stay focused on?
129. wow, you don't see him with anyone except you? shocking!
130. i love the michelle impressions.
     
131. ooh back into the pool!! those two are just little fishies!
132. special waterproof mics.
     
133. what is that bikinni?! and why is she wearing chunky jewelry in the pool? must be pleather.
134. woah! brad, you're retarded!!!
135. nice positioning of the rose in the cleve between them.
136. they're gross kissers....
137. "secret millionaire" sounds awesome.
138. no more therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
139. wait, maybe he needs it... he just kept michelle...
140. it was nice of them to get an aussie actor to play the role of "therapist."
141. wait, so emily didn't go on any dates this week?
142. i would really love to style emily...
     
143. what's with the call and response?
144. what? a reenactment of a spontaneous moment?
     
145. nothing creepier..
146. the gals are watching them...
147. red dress reminds kat of vivienne from legally blonde and i think she looks like a dude.
148. this "protecting themselves" excuse is sooo boring....
149. "putting up walls" is another phrase i'd love to see retired.
150. oh emily . i like you.
     
151. mostly because you look like a backwoods barbie.
152. watch some girl come and steal him from her.
153. chantal needs some powder.
154. at least her jugs are covered this week..
155. what is happening with that girl's curly crazy hair?!
156. wooof!! what are you wearing in your ears, crazy? another claire's acquisition?
157. emily is the only girl who doesn't demand DTR's/time from him.
158. oh even chantal is losing it!
159. do they drug them on the one-on-ones so they start immediately acting crazy
160. oooh presents for the daughter?! he melted on that...
161. do something with that limp hair, funeral director!
162. so awkward to console other girls about the man you like....
163. why do they all act surprised that there are other women?!
164. woooah!!!! gangrene cried-out eyeshadow!!?
165. what does she want? ego boost?
166. he should just have a pat answer... wait.. he does .. "please understand.... blah blah blah.."
167. forehead kisses are the best.
     
168. "come here to me!" yes, brad. i will.
169. "when she's not crazy, i like her!" (kat)
170. ladies! satin on tv....never a good look.
     
171. lisa! with the frizzy curl?! boring.
     
172. ooh please pick big red!
173. marissa?! with the strange hairline?
174. oooh this last rose is really a nail biter!
175. gross, brad! you should have picked big red over ashley h!!
176. what , meghan are you wearing?! and WHY are you jogging like mr smithers?!
177. oooh wow! peek-a-boo back fat!!
178. and it's too short.
179. "they act like it's a tournament!" (ali)
180. yes! pull that dress out of your crack, big red.
     
181. you ARE true to yourself.
     
182. oooh daddy's girl.
     
183. i like you.
     
184. strop crying. please?
185. what happens in vegas in vegas stays in vegas! i can't wait for next week.
186. eeew.. really? a booty train?

back in new york!

concrete jungle where wonderdreams are made of!

and missing my wonderfriends but SOO happy to see my people!

wanna see a sneak peek of the show? click { here }

stick it to me...

during my freshman year at NYU, i met a darling blonde headed man who was a friend of a friend in my dorm.

i had a boyfriend (back home in utah) but blondie was very persistent...

he took me to broadway shows (my first time seeing MISS SAIGON- as a friend, naturally) and schmancy dinners but i was always very up front and tried to keep him at a distance.

one night, i returned home after a late rehearsal and turned around to close and lock the door when i saw an EPIC love poem adorning the ENTIRETY of my dorm room door with word magnets.

2 thoughts go thru my mind:

1. how had this creepster gotten into my apartment?

2. while it could have been sweet and romantic, it felt stalkerish and horrifying...

i gently pulled out my "life scissors," cut him out of my life & re-scrambled my texty door....

a year later, he books a HUGE national commercial for a very famous computer company....

(hint: rhymes with bell)

and shortly thereafter, he loses the endorsement deal cause he's caught with marijuana (naturally).

well.... years later,

i'm sitting at the SOHO House bar (a super 'sclusive club.. very very fancy) and mr. magnetic poetry is sitting next to me (cue: awkward conversation and inevitable facebook friend request).

oy.

what are the odds?

well, high in nyc...

welcome to my life.

lds music universe interview

oh hey,

i did an interview for LDS music universe.

talked about how i got here,

advice for anybody trying to make it on the b-way,

words for the young women of the church,

and other stuff....

read it { here }

hope i don't sound like an idiot.

{ the bachelor } season 11 | episode 3

bachelor lovers!

i just returned from tampa today to a great majority of my family (including russ & her boyf, evie & co) staying in my STUDIO apt.

so naturally, we had a "welcome back to the city" dinner @ pulino's with subsy & worthie.

delish.

blerg. SOMEBODY reset my DVR so i only caught half the bachelor and rather than save it for a later date, i decided to watch it with the gals so you could have their choice commentary as well.

y'welcome.

*so we begin at the end of emily and brad's date-- i'll try to watch the beginning at some point this week to fill in the holes.....

1. i love this emily. she is so sweet.
2. woah, brad really didn't know..... i sorta thought they'd have tipped him off.
3. i like him. perfect answer, brad.
4. "tell me about your daughter, please." oooh i love him.
5. is it just me? or does it look like they're both freeeezing in that barn? brad the red nosed bachelor.
6. why isn't he looking at her?
7. ok, kiss.
8. "he has a good kissing jaw." (sussy)
9. why is that thumb getting involved?
10. love the pensive walkabout.
11. brad looks cute in a baggy henley.
12. therapist?! seriously? what happened to patient /client confidentiality?
13. this therapy session weebs me out.
14. do you think brad eats anything except turkey, water, chicken, eggs and sweet potatoes?
15. an imment connection?
16. you know, brad doesn't strike me as the sports car type... you know he's working a big ole tricked out/jacked up truck or something..
17. woah, who is gift wrapped by tiffany & co?
18. yup. love the euro suit.
19. these lines are SOOOO cheesy.
20. oooh no. she didn't. what is she going to "open up" for him? what a creepy little package.
21. "i hate that look. she has monoboob." (mom)
22. noooot flattering, gift wrap.
23. crazy miss slc bought her dress at cache, surely.... on clearance....
24. ok. if crazy really is "scripted," i'm bored of the act. if she's really nutzo, she should seriously be committed.
25. why was there a close up on those leopard printed jugs?
26. obviously the physical attraction his huge, brad.... pun intended.
27. "tough girl? she looks pretty easy to me!" (sussy)
28. and enter crazy for the stolen base....
29. "that guy needs to take charge and say 'No! i'll come and get you when i'm ready!'" (mom)
30. ugh she's the DUMBEST flirt. "we're in a fight!" are we in jr high?!
31. borderline retarded.
32. well, last time i didn't kiss anybody, so let's try lip prostitution and see if that sticks....
33. crazy needs to tone down the blush...
34. wwwoah crunchy blonde bad hair! yikes. who is that girl?
35. hmmm... this vampire girl...seemed like an honest moment/ maybe her agent called with a better offer...
36. way to take it back into your court, brad.
37. blerg. i'm so tired of these biddies shining about the "process" or "journey"... haven't they EVER seen this show? and why must they constantly DTR him?!
38. what if he kissed the dentist (in that cheap dress)then didn't give her the rose. that would be good tv.
39. "who's that curly blonde girl?! she look like she's been drug thru the rapist colony!!" (my ridiculous mother)
40. "anyone who wears black jewelry should be sent home!" (mom)
41. sussy thinks michelle like will schuster's wife on GLEE.
42. loooong withering blinks, miss slc.
43. well, THAT wasn't scripted! notice all the pa's running after her!
44. yes, talk to me! and the cameras.
45. "well, i feel like i'm at a beef stock show." (mom)
46. "he is SOOO boring. i am just bored!" (mom)
47. she just gored him with her studded bracelet.
48. she walks like a dude.
49. i'll wake up tomorrow, put my fangs in and look for another dude with a vamp fetish. where is edward?!
50. tired of hearing the words "wall" and "vulnerable"
51. ashley looks good in her victoria's secret lycra dance costume
52. marissa has the strangest bang/part situation
53. yay! i like lindsey. she's pretty.
54. megan is slightly masculine, no?
55. why was there such drama surrounding the final rose and why was she dressed like a cheap hooker?
56. ooh bad curls is getting sent home.. must have been the black jewelry...
57. "i think he was intimidated by me.".....um.........
58. ooooh smeary mascara, sarah! she looks like the crying ghost bride!that's spectacular!
59. now she really looks drug thru the rapist colonies!
60. *horrible.
61. *going to hell.
62. "id rather be nowhere else." (brad)
63. "i'm telling you he's an idiot and he's boring!" (mom)
64. what is happening with ashley's eyebrows?!
65. michelle's wearing the ginette ny necklace.
66. oh even brad is into roasting marshmallows - clearly he read last weeks entry.

just another tuesday night in tampa

a few nights ago, i came home from the theatre with eyelash glue smeared across my eyes, my curly afro akimbo from pin curls and a fierce need to hit the hay.....

20 min later,

i found myself strapping on my new (to me) green moschino heels and malandrino dress, smoking my eyes, and slicking my hair back for the hard rock cafe's grand opening.

we hung in the VIP lounge with an n*sync'er (who felt it necessary to text my fb and tell him what he's missing...more on that later...), a hilton (nope, not paris, the other one..), former NFL greats, current buccaneers, and wondergirls--all while (lohan's ex) samantha ronson was spinning.....(even she couldn't resist that bizarre "barbara streisand" song...)

ronson spinning
this is josh.

he's sweet.

he's the quarterback for the bucs.

it happened to be his birthday.

this is adam.

we love adam.

he plays for the bucs as well...

we had a blast....and it was fascinating watching club hierarchy.... more on that later...

lessons learned:

always shave your legs (you never know what could happen....)

always travel with a simple black dress & party shoes

always say "yes" ... you never know what adventures await.

i like caramel apples with chocolate and nuts

and i like em even more when my cousins sleep over (they're the blondes)...

related: don't mess with me, i wield a knife.

*old photo... sussy isn't fat, she's just 100 months pregnant.

stellie the wonderdog

the other night, nugget and i were meeting a yankee in the hotel lobby when stella went ballistic and raced to the door leading to the courtyard.

i let her out, thinking she needed to relieve herself and she ran barking insanely into a corner.

i ran over to investigate (it was her warning bark) and i smelled burning.....

next thing i know, a palm tree goes up in flames!!

i retrieved the nugget and ran back to the lobby where i pulled the fire alarm (childhood dream come true) and summoned the fire department.

thankfully, two of the amazing guys who work backstage raced over with the fire extinguisher and kept the fire at bay until the fire dept could arrive.

much to my dismay, the fellas don't look like the NYFD (ohh la la!) but they kept the hotel from going up in flames.

the entire hotel was evacuated and on hand to celebrate stellie as the hero of the night! the firemen even raced over to give her a high five (sad i didn't have my phone for that op).

i'm pretty sure kathie lee should do a segment on her and/or write a song about this "everyday hero."

{ the bachelor } season 11 | episode 2

my darlings,

today, you get 2 for one...

first, you'll get the new sensational recipe developed by the wondergirls in honor of our "bachelor" party.

microwave dark chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough s'mores.

step one: microwave dove chocolate heart on one graham cracker for 15 seconds

step two: add cookie dough on top of chocolate then layer marshmallow on top of that (best if cut into the diameter so it tee-pees over the cookie dough.

step three: microwave for 20 seconds.

step four: smoosh with other graham cracker.

amazeballs.

love my wondergirls and love my bachelor parties with them.

isn't it amazing what culinary delights can come out of a hotel room?

katie posing for top model and laura in sheer amazement!

and now to the real show:

the bach- clearly miss slc is crazytown.... blerg.

way to represent, nutbag!

oh well, she's good fun!

love that you're watching with the commentary--wish i could figure out how to do a big video conference so we could all log on together and watch it!

1. what girls is walking around brads house?
2. sandbags for lighting on the rocks
3. barefoot on the rocks didn't seem like a good idea, did it, brad? need to call tony robbins for that... notice how quickly he moved back to the grass?
4. harrison looked pretty anxious
5. she's been waiting for this for 8 YEARS?! quit job, became anorexic, and spent thousands on clothes? desprate and crazy.
6. ashley.. already a stage 5 clinger.
7. i'm digging brad's european suits.
8. ashley and the ribbon that ends at the zipper? cheap dress.
9. she's freaking out about the convertible hair.
10. take a turn onto rape avenue...
11. "don't freak out! don't freak out!" how often have i heard that...
12. hope she's not wearing spency shoes in the dirt.
13. she wore that dress for a "wild ride?
14. NOTHING CREEPIER THAN LIT CLOWNS AND A DESERTED CARNIVAL!!!
15. good thing they're running from event to event to beat the crowds.
16. fast pass to love.
17. it's just "perfact!"
18. i feel bad for the staffers who keep seeing her hoo-ha under all the rides.
19. meanwhile, back at the ranch, it's night time... why are they all half bikini'd.
20. oooh boy. birthday princess is going to be trouble.
21. posey posey in the photo booth....
22. yikes. did she learn cotton candy deep throating from taylor from real housewives of beverly hills?
23. love when they say they're the "entire package"
24. that hay has to feel real nice on her bare legs.
25. oooh she's a big hand gesticulator.
26. brad's quite the sweater... big daddy issues. poor guy.
27. she's got him- big talk -more than what they "think " they're looking for bs.
28. look at her trying to find the evolved brad... is he there yet? i dunno...
29. oooooh he DOES like her a lot.
30. good therapy chat, sister.
31. nickname! ok.
32. hand on thigh!
33. well you told her and the rest of the country.....
34. i like her. she bugged me last week, but i'm into her now... but then again i said that about crazy ali.
35. this looks like a pretty intrusive tongue-fest
36. slc! eyebrows! holy moses!
37. yup. she's the crazy one. so proud.
38. melissa. have a twinkie and a life.
39. nice scripted "give" speech, brad. i almost believe you didn't read that off a cue card.
40. what if they weren't already STD pre-screened and this is how they were outed?! awesome.
41. vampire girl: perfect for this challenge. suck it, girl!
42. miss slc is sharpening her talons.
43. who is that dressed a s poocohauntes
44. look at vampire girl sweat getting into that dominatrix outfit.
45. why are some girls looking normal and a few looking like freaks?
46. juggs!
47. ooooh it's crazy SLC as pocohauntas.
48. hey, slc, you idiot. when you're a grown up , you don't get to be the fabulous birthday princess ever time you have a birthday and most people who have children figure that out....
49. wait, i'm confused about this challenge... they're shooting a soap AND GIVING BLOOD?
50. i don't get it.
51. why is there a merkin on his chest?
52. what?
53. this is so strange.
54. oooh you sneaky bartender, you.
55. oh wow! crazy melissa... that's crazy. somebody! please give her some food.
56. oooh pity clap! yes, you're NOT special. good.
57. what is that snakey necklace?
58. i think texas big red lindsey is cute.
59. poor food writer. awkward sauce.
60. does brad have and edward cullen fetish?
61. i love that they make the girls just watch the awkward makeouts.
62. hope she's wearing panties.
63. you're a "nightmare" michelle.
64. listen, pocahontas, get in your canoe and go around the riverbend.
65. she's so stupid. seriously. sorry if she's your friend, she's seriously tetched.
66. this is good clean fun, brad? the 3-somes?
67. she's an absolute brat.
68. wooooooah slow mo fireworks! we're gonna use that from now on.
69. woah. great commercial. awesome. { sarcasm }
70. we should have counted how many times slc said the word "birthday."
71. clear the air.... yes, you are as crazy as he thought.
72. wasnt this the same venue as the mesnick cocktail party?
73. eek. even she looks emaciated in WHITE pants on TV.
74. did she buy that necklace at down east outfitters?
75. slc is drunk skunk.
76. she wants to peel his clothes off. she's a champion manipulator...
77. with a botoxed forehead.
78. what is this awkward staged fight?
79. great. "lucky for me, there's girls like you."
80. wait, why are there satin sheets in his confessional room?
81. cute bikini, barbie single mom!
82. ew!!! no he DIDN'T give it to the birthday biatch!!
83. gross. men are retarded.
84. dancing with the rose?
85. somebody please dunk her!!!
86. jackie's pretty woman experience? why cause she's a hooker or you 're not going to kiss her on the mouth?
87. why do they all act like bumpkins? is that their "humble" act?
88. nice that she has makeup on with the facemask..
89. brad with the mask? no thanks. that's where i draw the line.
90. UGH...DUE TO COMPUTER ISSUES, I MISSED THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF OF THEIR DATE..... WE'RE PICKING UP WHEN SHE'S IN A DRESS AND IN THE BACK OF A CAR
91. oh brad! those thoughtful details you (i mean the producers) think of!
92. can't any girl play it cool?!
93. woah! car driving on?
94. hm... how did that dress come about? it's looking a bit frumpy, no? i'd like it better on a flat chested chick.
95. kelly kapowski sideburns on jackie.
96. she's dated TWO men in her entire life? what?
97. why are you foreseeing her possible anxieties? why don't you let the girl think for herself?! typical man.
98. "i wanna hang in there if you wanna hang in there".. wow, brad. what a way with words! blerg.
99. why TRAIN?! i can think of a million other acts including yanni that would be more romantic/cool.
100. brad's a real kiss face-grabber, isn't he?
101. ooooh man! that rockette has the worst color!
102. michelle again... crazytown.
103. let's get to the important stuff: fridge and coffee talk? he has to know she's batshit.
104. yes, pouty lip rockette.
105. yes, you're right dollybarbie, michelle is pretty ridiculous.
106. brad is sweet.
107. let's talk about how pretty we think each other is....
108. i still love single mom.
109. poor big red stuck in the middle of those two dueling dragons. "she just wants to drink her sangria in peace" (laura)
110. like marissa's dress.
111. is she on coke?
112. thank you , flat ironed gandi. you speak such female truth.
113. oooh boy... why would you get so worked up that you'd ruin your false lashes?!
114. why is she bring up Jesus?! brad is the one picking....
115. pull that puppy up!
116. poor brad has to be referee on week 2?!
117. yes, those girls had better run for recon!
118. she's manic!
119. oh yeah, he's done with her...
120. no you didn't have 4 slices of pizza.
121. let's hug it out..... again.
122. i can't handle the catty drama.
123. did he just say "IRREGARDLESS" ?!?! amazing!!!!! if you're wondering why that's ridiculous, let me take this time to inform you that "irregardless" is not a word. "regardless" and "ir" are both negatives.. thus making it a double negative. don't use it or you will look as ignorant as brad.
124. guess ali and roberto needed some money... cue entrance.
125. ooh there's in comfort in knowing some things never change... including ali's horrible hair. at least it's shorter now..
126. ali needs a better undereye creme... puffy town.
127. yes, crazy ano crier even sobbed in front of them?!
128. she's just crying cause she's hungry.
129. good! i love emily! she's adorable! and he doesn't even know her story yet (or does he.....).
130. "is she soft spoken? or stupid? " (kate)
131. i'll say soft spoken and refined.
132. good! even, CH got into the eurosuit.
133. manscaper vs nitwit. quite a showdown! who will stay?!
134. who are some of these girls?!
135. these awkward hopeful smirks are so uncomfortable to watch.
136. what is that strange necklace the nanny is wearing?! this is the episode of bad neckwear.
137. reallY? fangs is staying?
138. poor lisa doesn't know how to do her hair.
139. if you have to constantly pull up your strapless dress, you shouldn't be wearing it.
140. WHAT is megan wearing ?!
141. yes! lindsey, big red subsy's twin.
142. i can see rockette's lash glue.
143. oooh boy! all of the drama is cut?!
144. i sorta feel bad for manscaper.... she didn't deserve that crazy.
145. what is brit wearing?
146. oooh keltie, you're not awkward, you just have bad hair!!!
147. who were you dating at work? santa? the elves? the nativity camel?
148. eek, manscaper! those ta-ta's are out and ABOUT!
149. seriously, i don't think i've noticed half of these girls.
150. why do they keep trying to to push these acting/singing careers? i'm hating all of this.
151. oooh that teaser looks sorta juicy!!! i'm hooked.
152. oh, keltie your rapping is top notch! she's a fun girl.

ok, kiddos .. what do you think?

xo n

my new favorite quote

If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face.

Oh sure, it seems obvious now, but you’d be amazed at how many people don’t think of it when it’s relevant.

Seriously, punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

--Chuck Klosterman

*thanks to blog reader, jenny for the quote and sussy for the pic

{ the bachelor } season 11 | episode 1

yes, kidlets. here we go.

i have to say, i was jazzed for brad- he tends to keep it (slightly) more real than the other mannequins. and i don't even blame him for not picking those other dummies....

for those of you new to this, i don't do spoilers... i want to take the whole "soul-searching journey" as it unfolds.

so don't tell your secrets, unless you know these crazies, then spill!!

disclaimer: i'm watching with my wondergirls and we're tending to get catty.... it's just funnier, no 'fense. love you . mean it.

1. bull. brad.
2. his accent is making me feel like he's real slow.
3. yeah, i'm sure he sits on his nate burkus decorated apt and re-watches his episode in total depression.
4. oooh day to night and still surfing the web.
5. YES!! classic depression profile shot in the rain!
6. wondering if that was a water hose.
7. ok. he's still kind of hot.
8. he's phobic because he's gay.
9. too groomed.
10. wow. he's pretty.
11. first shirtless shot!! yes! katie is counting for us.
12. oiled and shirtless!
13. ooooh that poor girl just out on a run in front of bach brad all knock-kneed....
14. oooh and good with the kiddies!? what a prize!
15. nice pr work, abc.
16. testimonial of the therapist?
17. is he a paid actor?
18. how many different colored tight necked v-necks does brad own?
19. why is he carrying a wheeled carryon suitcase like a briefcase?
20. yes. workout shots.
21. "soul-searching" count is coming next
22. ok, we're at 12 shirtless shots before the first commercial.
23. always a getting ready scrub the pits, towel wrap hair fluff, and shirt wrangle shot.
24. oooh creepy dentist!! yes, i love chatting with my dentist with my mouth propped open.
25. really? gratuitous tom hanks moment.
26. funeral director... well, that's different.
27. ooh poor nanny. not the most flattering leg shot.
28. nanny= first cry.
29. ugh. poor divorced gal. eating alone by her minibar.
30. first single mom. nice fake rack.
31. i loooove working out with fake lashes.
32. manscaper.... i don't know what to say....
33. a man is an accessory? gross.
34. oooh creepy model... WHAT!?!
35. vampire fangs?! are you KIDDING ME?!
36. oh sad. first dead husband.
37. these girls are killing me with their sad stories!
38. and a baby?!
39. oh i love emily. bless her heart! please don't let her be a nutcase!!
40. oh man, i hate those getting ready for the ladies shots.... meditating, cruches.. oh hell.
41. why is the pavement always hosed down and wet? i'd be pissed if i ruined my spency shoes and prom dress train.
42. "he's kind of attractive but he's dumber than a box of hair." (katie)
43. proverbial! big word, b!
44. chris harrison looks like an oompa loompa. lighten up on the bronzer, homeboy.
45. nice fake surprise, brad.
46. the girls look good.
47. deanna sounds like a dude.
48. really? he's the one person you trusted most? after 6 wks? you're stupid.
49. whatever, jenni. everyone has hurt someone and been hurt. that's life. that's love.
50. he shouldn't have to prove himself to these crankers.
51. why is deanna such a bitter betty?
52. yes, tight ring shot.
53. chantal... a stripper dress and a slap? obviously that was totally scripted. lame.
54. ooh and likes her better already? scripted.
55. kimberly- can't walk in heels.
56. alli- nice color dress and boob oiling. highlight those girls.
57. ashley- best dress so far. oooh nice kiss recovery. she saw that window.
58. what?! she did not just goose him.
59. meghan- in "fashion?" had better lose her job for those shoes. japanese tranny robot
60. ooooh alli put the jugs away.
61. karissa- sensible dress and real boobs. refreshing. way to throw the sports card right away.
62. lindsey-big red.
63. dentist- already on my nerves. brad's totally into her and those thin eyebrows.
64. nice body language, brad. he's in.
65. manscaper-what. are. you. wearing? and did i wear it in a theme park show?
66. "you happen to be the perfect guy for me."
67. oooh no. creepy model fangs walks like a dude. and scene.
68. oooh melissa. good thing you're ano cause that run jump was a bold bold move/desperate.
69. oooh so many bad dresses!
70. pinky swear to not break her heart . blerg.
71. lacey from trampa! hometown girl. cute.
72. lauren has a pioneer updo.
73. shawntel- pretty girl, bad job. bad ponytail.
74. cousin " it " is in the limo???
75. britnee-not cute enough for those shenanigans.
76. ooh stacey, your dress told me you were a bartender before they told me.
77. jill , stand up straight and cool it with the "i wanna get married" talk. yikes.
78. ruby slippers? gotta get a gimmick, i guess?
79. strange esthetician forced kiss! yikes.
80. j- just one letter.
81. are you kidding me, rockette? um.... wait. i think i've met her. oy. love the playboy bunny music for her.
82. sarah- digging at the bottom of the barrel for an interesting gimmick.
83. oooh my favorite! emily the barbie in a black wedding dress!
84. he's in! he loves her.
85. ooh my money is on dentist and single mom
86. madison from SPLASH! aka food writer. sweet treat.
87. oooh michelle, way to represent SLC with a slit to the hip!
88. he's in.
89. ok. money on dentist, single mom, and miss slc universe.
90. lots of forced bs.
91. lots of fixing of the dresses... pull it up girls!
92. lots of pretties. probably the prettiest season i've ever seen.
93. ugh. are we going to have to suffer thru EVER ONE OF THEM drilling him?
94. that sounded wrong...
95. dtr'ing (defining the relationship)
96. soul-searching = 5 x so far..... 3 yrs = too many to count.
97. um, if i was there, i wouldn't bring it up. who talks about other girls and past relationships on their first meetings?!
98. dentist should be a newscaster.
99. the hitter needs to go home.
100. ashley s- pulled the baby voice. sick.
101. oh i'm so gagged by so much of this! down with love!
102. whaaaaaat?! the waxing?! katie and i are screaming NOOOOO!
103. just a waxed patch?? ew. gross.
104. batwings?! no she didn't!!!! poor brad. let her go!
105. nooo jugs! nooooo! showing off your behind for validation? drunk. and. crazy.
106. ooooh no she di'int! these girls with the stealing back and forth!! obnoxious.
107. blue dress is NEEEEDY!!!!
108. bartender with the flat-ironed hair! oy.
109. nanny renee needs to wash her mouth out with soap!
110. coal miner's daughter has dolly colored hair.
111. "it's better to be home alone than be home and wish you were alone."amen.
112. "on the other hand... the girl has fangs. " love that he drilled her on that.
113. 
     
114. what?! he thinks the fangs are hot?
115. yes, miss slc universe (not affiliated with the miss america program), your leg told me you're a woman. and your hair color matches your tan. i think your platform is auburn.
116. good michelle, good to tell about the kid straight away.
117. oh wow, ashley! hmmmm... didn't really see that coming...
118. really? guess you 'd have to keep fangs mcgee for fodder?
119. yes, coal miners daughter.
120. dentist already looks bummed! secret that rose, girl!!
121. don't pop the head Kelty. and whyyy that hair color?
122. jugs is giving pursed lip pouty face.
123. seriously? he kept bad shoes??
124. and dorothy? good thing she changed out of the gimmick shoes.
125. big red looks sorta like subsy- also from texas!
126. really? keeping jugs?
127. who is sarah p? ladies, she's a cautionary tale against frosty eye shadow.
128. sometimes brad has crazy eyes.
129. there are more than one shawntel? eeesh.
130. melissa, would you please accept this rose, eat a donut, and stop running and jumping at me.
131. ooh why didn't he keep "i hope you find your happiness " girl? she's sweet.
132. please, somebody cry!
133. oooh the first night confessionals always wreak of desperation.
134. ooh yes, bye bye bad up do and cache dress.
135. yes! the crier!!! go britnee. she's not crazy. she's just drunk with a bad up do.

oh, and two more for the road:

136. remember how fangs bragged about meeting the grand master of darkness? that. was. epic.

137. rockette said she's "bendy." wow.

ok. what are you thinking?