(only fitting to have a dutch quote)on a roadtrip in France, sometime in july,
a song i've heard so many times before came on my itunes mix.
immediately, i burst into tears.
india.arie so beautifully expressed my sweet dutch man (in the drivers seat) in a way i had never been able to put to words.
the entire song fits him to a T.. but these lines really struck me:
The moment that we met, he made me smile
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he'll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life
I'm not worried about the future
Because we have such
A wonderful time when we're together
However things turn out, it's all right
'Cause he's already changed my life
He heals me, he knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
and boy, did i need healing.
you see, i specifically prayed for him to come into my life.
my heart was so weary and i was so tired that i prayed for someone kind and gentle. someone who wouldn't hurt me.
my prayers were answered in him.
in the time that we've been together, i have grown in immeasurable ways. i have needed and relied on his emotional stability when i was faced with challenges that required all of me. he was there.
we have had conversations, and moments more beautiful and picturesque than anything i've ever experienced . and i just relished and basked in his awesomeness. i didn't ask questions about the future... it didn't matter... we were still figuring things out ...i just went along for the delicious ride that it was.
we spent an incredible 5 days in CT and loved every second of being together.
in the last 10 min of a beautiful 5 day trip (as we were planning our holiday- he'd come to Utah for Christmas and i'd join his family skiing in France for the New Year) we actually asked ourselves the really hard questions that we'd perhaps been avoiding... or rather, exploring....
the truth of it is, he is not in a position to move to the states for at least 3 yrs and neither of us feels right about me moving to the Netherlands. not now.
we also have some spiritual divides that would ultimately make family life challenging. we would need a lot of in person time to work that out.
trust me, if it felt right, i'd be on the next flight to Holland and i'd open a stroopwafel store or something...
(apparently there are rumors circulating that i have always chosen my career over a marriage... which is HILARIOUS. there are two relationships for which i would have gladly retired, but they didn't work out so.... keep on keeping on, right?)
but for whatever reason, it is not to be.
which feels incredibly unfair.
he is the kindest, most generous, respectful, encouraging, brilliant, loving, open, romantic, funny, beautiful man i've ever had the privilege of loving. shouldn't that be enough?!
my life has been beautifully changed because i loved mr vdH and he loved me.
it was the most tearful, rational, mutual, and loving breakup i have ever had... which in a way is even more tragic, i suppose.
to my family and friends who are just hearing of this for the first time,
i am sorry. i'm really just trying to keep it together-i had 2 shows wed right after it happened, 2 shows thursday, rehearsal all day today with a show tonight and three more to go this weekend.
i'm just trying to keep it together.
so why share this breakup with you when i've kept so many of my other breakups mum?
we shared our relationship with you from the beginning. he chose that. he didn't mind his beautiful mug all over the US internet. he was proud of us and so was i.
i dunno.. i just keep loading up on pedialyte and covering my swollen, red eyes with aquaphor...
and try to keep it together.
it seems so surreal.
i am forever grateful that he cherished and treasured and loved me.
i only pray he felt the same from me.
our relationship was more romantic and enriching than any picture could capture.
he is kinder and more wise than those gentle blue eyes display,
and my love for him will always be.
and just like india said,
"However things turn out, i'm all right. Cause he's already changed my life."
yeah... i'll be all right....
just not tonight (thanks, SB).....